Trent A. Tyer

_{–Written February 20th, 2023}

At this point in my journey, there have been some notable points in my healing process. But first, I want to outline what living in this bondage was like for me. I lived with a queasy, anxious stomach for just about as long as I can remember. 

I lived in a continued state of restlessness often getting frustrated easily at imperfection. If there was a hint of something wrong in my relationship with someone else, you might as well “call it quits”. I experienced significant hot flashes, ruminating thoughts, and borderline obsession over these situations until they were resolved. If it didn’t go perfectly (whatever that even means), it would bother me to no end. 

Rarely ever was my focus on the current task at hand. In fact, unless I was playing golf or basketball—something that consumed my full attention and awareness—I was most likely ruminating over some imperfection. I remember spending hours upon hours in class obsessing over scenarios of the past or possible future events. I think that using the word “troubled” is a good way to describe that. 

Psalms 55:1-2 ESV  Give ear to my prayer, O God, and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy!  (2)  Attend to me, and answer me; I am restless in my complaint and I moan,

I was in survival mode 24/7. My relationships with others were not heartfelt interactions but more like analytical problems to solve. Frequently, I would not voice my true feelings and opinions, and I lived in a hyper-awareness of what the other party (or parties) were thinking about me. It got so bad to the point where nearly all of my daily decisions, big or small, were first filtered through the long list of stakeholders that I believed could potentially have an opinion.

Living in a state of being ruled by what I perceived others thought of me was tormenting to say the least; and my goodness does it contort your grasp on reality! At times, I would see others across the room talking quietly and assume that I was the subject of the conversation only to find out I had nothing to do with it…AT ALL! One fleeting thought became a twisted view of reality, and I was completely convinced by it. 

I would say, however, that the two most devastating symptoms were (1) living in survival-mode every day, and (2) dealing with the critical voice in my head.

Originally when I sat down to write this journal entry, my desire was to write on the subject of living in a state of “just trying to survive”. God never intended for humanity to live this way, but this became so familiar to me that it became my “normal”. I approached most activities in life from this perspective, “all I have to do is get through X, Y, and Z today and then I can breathe.” If I was going to play a golf tournament, I was moreso looking forward to walking off the 18th green than I was playing the round itself. If I was asked to play drums at church, I was praying for the end of the song to come as soon as possible only hoping I wouldn’t humiliate myself before then. If it was preaching, I would think, if I can just get through this without utter failure, I can get back to figuring out what’s going on with my head. The Bible tells us to rejoice in the day that the Lord has made, but I was mainly grinding my teeth thinking about what I feared for tomorrow. When you think like that, enjoying the moment is nearly impossible. 

What did that look like in a work context? I picked out the meetings and tasks on my calendar that had the highest likelihood of failure and became hyper-aware of them. If the meeting was 10 days away, the present day was not defined as a day to be rejoiced in but rather “the day that is 10 days out from the meeting I am terrified about”. 

Psalms 118:24 ESV  This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Work was just one area of my life that was impacted. Don’t even mention preaching, teaching, conferences, other meetings, etc. The thought of living in that state for decades caused enough heaviness to bury me many years too soon. 

What was my escape? My noggin. Trust me; that was no escape at all. I could be sitting in a room full of loved ones who were all having a wonderful time, yet I was trapped in my head ruminating. I thought every single one of those thoughts were legitimate and that if I stopped thinking, I was in greater danger of failure. That leads me to my main point about survival mode: “Don’t fail. Don’t fail. Don’t fail.”

Winners don’t ponder failure, they ponder success. The writer of Hebrews didn’t ponder failure, he kept his eyes upon the Lord. Paul kept pressing towards the mark by the grace of God, and thus his eyes were set on it.

Hebrews 12:1-2 KJV  Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,  (2)  Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith…

Philippians 3:13-14 KJV  Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,  (14)  I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

I want to point something out here. In all I’ve said thus far, all of it holds me at the center. That is exactly what anxiety is: a world that revolves around self. Anxiety and fear places me at the center, whereas grace puts God at the center of it all. Living in “survival mode” often does not account for others’ well-being. It’s an “every man for himself” mentality. 

Now, the critical voice in my mind was crippling. Anything I desired to do, it argued the opposite. If I wanted to bless someone, I couldn’t because “I was too sinful”. If I prayed for something, before I could make my request known, the voice would quote emphatically, “If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me”. Statements like these along with plentiful accusations (nearly all day) long became a way of life. There was always just enough doubt for me to think that this just might be God. I knew God to be one who warns us if we are about to do something wrong, but not to the extent that I am driven into turmoil by his nagging. It wasn’t until recently that I began to learn that critical voices like the one I wrestled with can originate from one’s childhood.  

As a child, I dealt with critical voices in my life that wounded me beyond belief—but not beyond repair. The feelings I struggle with as an adult are the exact same feelings I dealt with as a child. I internalized these negative beliefs and opinions about myself, and they stuck with me. As a result, it’s the same queasiness, the same hot flashes, the same dread, the same pit in my stomach, etc. I thought I would one day grow out of them, but it felt like I actually grew into them. Even when I wished to stop thinking about, criticizing, and condemning myself, the voice would continue to harp on. 

The enemy of our soul loves to take advantage of these unhealed wounds and exploit them. After all, he’s had thousands of years of practice hitting people where it hurts most. Another identifying factor is that the work of Satan moves us to become concerned with ourselves, the work of God moves us to be consumed by his sweet love. 

That harsh critical voice nearly always sends a bolt of fear through me. It takes my breath away. It places the weight of heaviness on my heart as well as the thought of God having anger and constant displeasure towards me. In fact, I believed that I was disowned. What confidence does a son have to ask anything of his father if he doesn’t believe he is a son? 

1 John 4:16-18 KJV  And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.  (17)  Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world.  (18)  There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

Causing torment, provoking anxiety, invoking heaviness, and nagging to disturbance…I am coming to learn day by day that these are not traits of God’s love at all. His love is gentle, patient, kind, and long-suffering. He is not a dark cloud over our minds causing despair. He is not an abusive father. 

I know it is hard to believe sometimes, but that does not negate its truthfulness. One of my hardest battles was coming to accept that most of what I believed about my Father in heaven wasn’t even true. We must take to the Word of God to find out who He is and allow him to filter out every false perception we hold true in our feeble minds. 

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 KJV  (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)  (5)  Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

Hebrews 4:12 KJV  For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

A note from the author…

Diary of a Person Being Healed from Anxiety was inspired by one of the darkest seasons of my life. There came a day where I set my eye upon the Lord and declared, “I will come out of this somehow.” Since that day, I began recording the journey of being delivered from the most significant bondage I have ever dealt with. As the Lord uncovers, deals with, and gives revelation about anxiety, I write about it. These posts are loosely edited (intentionally) in order to preserve the raw, candid feel in which they were written. I pray that these posts are a blessing to many who have suffered with the same struggle.

You will come through this. Don’t take my word for it; take His Word for it.

– Trent A. Tyer